I have discovered that I love blogging. In fact, excluding the occasional time away from the keyboard, I am completely addicted to it. But sometimes I wonder why I bother. I mean, there are days when I look at my site and I think "how boring". Sure there are all sorts of news stories about a variety of subjects, I throw in a random recipe, some entries are about things going in my life. But overall, it's boring.
I don't know what happened. I used to be more passionate about things. There used to be certain subjects that I actually formed opinions on. Now it just seems like I live my life (not just my blog) in the neutral zone, trying my darndest not to offend anyone. For example, when did I start using the word "darndest"? What a bland word. There was a time not too long ago when I would have said "damndest". Not that I'm condoning using swear words, I am just using that as an example.
Oh man, did you see that? I just apologized for not really using a swear word.
That is exactly what I'm talking about. When did I get so bland. Not that there's anything wrong with trying not to offend people. But, where does it end? Why should I let it take my identity away from me? If you were a personal friend of mine and had known me for years, which would offend you more: reading a curse word in my blog or noticing I had changed and was never quite openly myself around you?
Or what if you are simply a loyal reader of my blog, curious about what new recipe I'm going to post this week, and suddenly you see a post where I rip apart a celebrity or admit my disgust with politics or maybe share a paragraph or two about stem cell research that is the complete opposite viewpoint of the one you have? Would that make you decide you no longer like me? Would it scare you away from my site? Or are most people capable of realizing that I can be a good person and not agree with them all at the same time?
I just can't figure out when I got like this. Is it a direct result of this blog? I know some of my family reads my posts. Am I worried they will spot something they don't like and no longer invite me home? No.
So what's my problem? I think it started with the blog, being aware that anyone can read it, trying to be careful not to upset anyone. But it seems to have carried over into my real life. I'm becoming bland on-line and off. And I don't like it. For one thing, I don't want people to finally figure out I'm getting old.
I do know it's been a strange year for me. Maybe that has something to do with it. I started a new job where I basically work by myself all night, I partially moved half of my life to Springfield, but also still live 2 hours away in Seligman. I've had a huge increase in income and an almost equal increase in my payments (but my new car is worth it!). I've just been all out-of-sorts this year. Nothing about me is settled. I live in 2 houses, own 2 cars and go to work by myself on weekend nights when the rest of the world is out watching movies and hanging with friends.
Plus, I now live with my brother, who for years I had only seen maybe 2 or 3 days out of every month. So that's awkward. He's a cool guy with cool friends so I'm constantly worried about not being dorky, which instead makes me act retarded.
The roommate I've had for several years in Seligman tells me she's so used to having the house to herself when I'm in Springfield 4 days a week, that now when I come home for my 3 days off it's weird having me there and I throw off her schedule. And why am I telling you guys all of this? I don't know. I just think maybe it's all sort of connected. Like my life is in such limbo that the only thing I have going for me is occupying my time with this blog. I want to build a huge audience and apparently I'm afraid to personalize my entries with anything that someone might not like. I'm an idiot.