Thursday, November 16, 2006

When Did I Get So Bland

I have discovered that I love blogging. In fact, excluding the occasional time away from the keyboard, I am completely addicted to it. But sometimes I wonder why I bother. I mean, there are days when I look at my site and I think "how boring". Sure there are all sorts of news stories about a variety of subjects, I throw in a random recipe, some entries are about things going in my life. But overall, it's boring.

I don't know what happened. I used to be more passionate about things. There used to be certain subjects that I actually formed opinions on. Now it just seems like I live my life (not just my blog) in the neutral zone, trying my darndest not to offend anyone. For example, when did I start using the word "darndest"? What a bland word. There was a time not too long ago when I would have said "damndest". Not that I'm condoning using swear words, I am just using that as an example.

Oh man, did you see that? I just apologized for not really using a swear word.

That is exactly what I'm talking about. When did I get so bland. Not that there's anything wrong with trying not to offend people. But, where does it end? Why should I let it take my identity away from me? If you were a personal friend of mine and had known me for years, which would offend you more: reading a curse word in my blog or noticing I had changed and was never quite openly myself around you?

Or what if you are simply a loyal reader of my blog, curious about what new recipe I'm going to post this week, and suddenly you see a post where I rip apart a celebrity or admit my disgust with politics or maybe share a paragraph or two about stem cell research that is the complete opposite viewpoint of the one you have? Would that make you decide you no longer like me? Would it scare you away from my site? Or are most people capable of realizing that I can be a good person and not agree with them all at the same time?

I just can't figure out when I got like this. Is it a direct result of this blog? I know some of my family reads my posts. Am I worried they will spot something they don't like and no longer invite me home? No.

So what's my problem? I think it started with the blog, being aware that anyone can read it, trying to be careful not to upset anyone. But it seems to have carried over into my real life. I'm becoming bland on-line and off. And I don't like it. For one thing, I don't want people to finally figure out I'm getting old.

I do know it's been a strange year for me. Maybe that has something to do with it. I started a new job where I basically work by myself all night, I partially moved half of my life to Springfield, but also still live 2 hours away in Seligman. I've had a huge increase in income and an almost equal increase in my payments (but my new car is worth it!). I've just been all out-of-sorts this year. Nothing about me is settled. I live in 2 houses, own 2 cars and go to work by myself on weekend nights when the rest of the world is out watching movies and hanging with friends.
Plus, I now live with my brother, who for years I had only seen maybe 2 or 3 days out of every month. So that's awkward. He's a cool guy with cool friends so I'm constantly worried about not being dorky, which instead makes me act retarded.

The roommate I've had for several years in Seligman tells me she's so used to having the house to herself when I'm in Springfield 4 days a week, that now when I come home for my 3 days off it's weird having me there and I throw off her schedule. And why am I telling you guys all of this? I don't know. I just think maybe it's all sort of connected. Like my life is in such limbo that the only thing I have going for me is occupying my time with this blog. I want to build a huge audience and apparently I'm afraid to personalize my entries with anything that someone might not like. I'm an idiot.

4 comments:

Amy said...

Ok, this post... is awesome. Anything but bland. It fits right in with an entire genre of blog posts which I've written over the years... the ones where I talk about how mediocre I am... or why I haven't blogged anything inspiring lately.

Self-censoring is a danger that comes with blogging.

Can't write that... my mom reads. Can't say that... my sister wouldn't approve. Can't really write about this business failure... the LOCAL MEDIA READS MY BLOG...

I love your blog. Maybe that's because I'm bland too. ;)

But I promise to keep reading even if you say damn or disagree with me on political issues... which how would you know? Cause maybe all of your readers really agree and are just scared to admit it to their readers!

How about starting an anonymous blog? One where you can throw all the stuff that is just way too NOT-bland.

...roseykrh said...

Amy, you're the main reason I love having a blog because you leave me such wonderful comments. I don't know what I would do without you.

And just so you know, the only reason I finally decided to start my own blog was because I got so addicted to reading yours and it became something I looked forward to daily. So, I wanted to be like you and keep at least one person entertained. It's kind of ironic that one person turned out to be you.

You're the best!

another amy said...

We all go through periods of both banality and navel gazing. Most that read blogs expect it and most who write blogs understand. It's tough churning out the material every day. It's tough not to "phone it in" from time to time. Chin up. You're doing fine.

Amy - GentleWhisper.com said...

Ahhh. Thanks!

Hey Another Amy... Now that I know you're here, I'll try to remember to sign my name a little differently. I've been mistaken for you more than once in the Ozarkian blogosphere.