Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Update On Me:

For those of you who read my recent posts about treading water and Gray's Anatomy I thought I would provide an update for you.

When I last discussed how things were going for me I talked about making the decision to get out of the water before I drowned. And I did. Unfortunately, I had been dry about 2 1/2 weeks when I stumbled and my feet got wet. I managed to stay there for a few days, then yesterday I fell over and went completely under. Now I am not even treading water, I'm drowning. On my last breath. My only hope is that the person closest to me holds out a hand and lets me try to climb back out. And I'm really not sure if that person is going to hold out a hand. Let's call this person "Z". Now, Z is tired and has sore hands thanks to all the times I bumped into him and clawed at him while I was treading water. And if Z does decide to hold out a hand and let me climb out, should I stay on the beach with the rest of the party and risk drowning again? Or should I leave the beach and find a totally new place to party with totally new people?

I know what I want to do. I want to stay on the beach and party with my people. I know that if I make it out of the water this time I will never let myself get too close to the edge again. But, since I have fallen in twice will anyone believe me that it won't happen again? Why should they? I haven't proved that I can be trusted not to teeter over the edge. I've got 2 strikes against me. And they have both occurred in only the last 3 months.

I don't want to find a new party, but I can't help but wonder if that wouldn't be the best thing for the party on the beach. I want those people to enjoy their party. I care about them all so much. I don't want to dampen their fun by making them worry that if they accidentally create a breeze playing frisbee it will knock me backwards into the water. I want them to be able to do what they want/need to do to have the most fun they can have.

I'm torn. I'm hoping that the person closest to me holds out a hand AND asks me to rejoin the party. But should I accept because that's what I want or should I decline because in the long run Z would be happier without me at the party? I know I can rejoin and pull it off and prove myself. But, with my prior track record why in the hell would Z think I can do it? So, would Z be relaxed and party like normal, or would Z be constantly looking over his shoulder wondering what I'm doing and thinking about how I wounded him the first 2 times I was drowning. It doesn't matter how much I believe that I won't do it again, he has to believe it or he won't be happy. It's a tough decision. I want to be happy and party, but I know I won't be happy if I think someone is unhappy because of me.

I've been at this party for 7 years, I don't know how I can leave it. But, I may have to. If I even get pulled from the water.


Anonymous said...

A rather cryptic blog. Anything I can do to help? I am concerned. "Sarge"

...roseykrh said...

Thanks for the concern, but I totally did this to myself. I should have known after my first fall how lucky I was to get another chance. Unfortunately, I didn't realize how much effort it took for Z to give me that second chance.

So, now that I've slipped and fallen again, I have no one to blame but myself. And I really don't think Z is going to reach out a hand. So, there's nothing anyone can do.