Friday, March 23, 2007

Hindsight 20/20

My last breath is fading fast and I can barely see any light above the water. My lungs are burning and I really don't think I'm going to make it. Interestingly enough, the further down I go the clearer my vision has become of exactly how I got into this position.

Now, I don't want to concern anyone. All of these drowning metaphors are referring to a specific part of my life involving a specific relationship to the best person I've ever been priviledged to know. You remember "Z" from the last post. That's the person. But, I don't want anyone who reads this to think I'm in any danger on a physical level. If I can't recover from this then life will suck and I will carry the guilt and hurt with me forever. But, I will carry on. So don't let these posts scare you.

As I was saying, I've finally discovered what is meant by the phrase "hindsight is 20/20". For the past 3 months, as things have been going bad, I knew my behavior was causing problems, but I honestly thought my behavior was a reaction to things that were happening to me. And I knew that other people aside from Z were aware my attitude was going downhill, but I honestly never knew that it was actually affecting their feelings and opinions of me. Now that it's probably the end, I can see where me thinking it was about 80% my fault and 20% Z's fault was not quite accurate. For the past 3 days every different angle I look back at shows up as 100% my fault. I wish I had known that sooner, I would have stopped it before I got here.

I don't know what to do now. How can you convince someone that you've absolutely learned everything you needed to learn and that even though you blew your second chance you can gaurantee it will never happen again? Most people don't even get second chances, so why in the hell would I deserve a third? I don't. I don't deserve a third chance. Apparently I didn't deserve the second chance, because I blew it. But I know I want to continue my relationship with Z more than I want anything else.

And I'm not just saying that because I feel guilty for what I've done to her(yes, Z switched genders - got to keep you guessing). Obviously I do feel guilty. But I can honestly say I want to continue my friendship with Z more than I want anything else because it's the absolute truth. I've done nothing for the past 3 days but think about what I did, what I want, what she deserves, how it happened, etc. I can't sleep because my brain won't shut down. I can't eat because I'm sick with grief over the fact that I just killed a friendship and hurt Z's heart.

I know what I did wrong. I know that I was the only person who did anything wrong. I know I did this to myself. I know I don't deserve her friendship. I honestly believe the horrible thing I did to get me to this point was caused by some divine intervention just to get me to this point so I would finally freaking get it. And I do get it, but it may have cost me more than I ever wanted to pay. I don't know what to do. I don't want this to happen. But it's not up to me anymore. I don't deserve to be included in the decision about our friendship, because I'm the one who tore it apart. I don't know what to do. The worst part is that this all started because I hate my work schedule and I let myself become jealous of Z's freedom. Why? What made me think it would be okay to take my frustrations out on her? There was no reason why being frustrated at work should lead me to losing Z. Especially since I haven't changed anything at work, I still work the same stupid shift that I hate. My shift is beyond my control unless I quit jobs. But, I'm not even upset about my shift anymore. That quickly paled in comparison to the mess I've gotten myself into. If I could go back in time, I would thank my friends every day for working around my stupid schedule and fitting me in to their lives during my time off instead of being jealous of the time off they had together.

Again, I know what I did wrong. I know that I was the only person who did anything wrong. I know I did this to myself. And I don't know what to do now. I mean, at the time I guess I thought we were strong enough to handle it and she would realize that the problem was about work and wasn't actually about her. But why should she have realized that, I was making it about her. I understand she did not deserve to face constant negativity from me, especially at a time in her life when she's got so many positive things happening to her. I don't know how it happened. But I know how to keep it from ever happening again, if I get the chance. But, I don't think I'm going to. And that's my fault.


Amy said...

Whooo! Thanks for the clarification that you are not actually in physical danger.

Sounds like you're hurting a lot though anyway. Sorry. Praying for you.

...roseykrh said...

Thanks Amy. I need it.

Anonymous said...

“There is luxury in self reproach. When we blame ourselves, we feel no one else has a right to blame us.”