Happy New Year

Well, it's 2008. Another. Year. Wasted. Seriously need to step up my game and actually put this new year to good use. I've been nagging myself lately to stop being an asshole, maybe it's time to actually do it. Of course, I'm not an asshole in the common sense of the word, but I feel like I'm an asshole and my opinion of me should count for something.

Why do I feel this way about myself? Because I'm the one who hears all the grumbling behind the scenes. You know, like when I decide that I'm going to do something nice and then afterwards find myself grumbling internally about how much stupid work it was. Ri-dic-ulous! I decided to do it, if I hadn't done it no one would have ever even known. So, am I mad at myself? That's stupid.

Here's another example: I enjoy my job, I specifically chose to work where I do, I get paid really well and work for an extremely awesome boss - yet I find myself having conversations with my coworkers about how much this place sucks. Bullshit! This place is awesome. Do I have stressful days? Sure. Does the company make decisions that affect me without asking my opinion? Absolutely. Do I sometimes get off the phone and want to pull my hair out? Yes. Would I rather work somewhere, anywhere, else? HELL NO! Then there's no point in me complaining is there? Instead of falling in line with the negativity that surrounds me at work, I should start trying to infect them with a positive attitude. Then maybe we could all have fun at work like we used to.

Also, I suck! I'm so worried about everyone else that I ignore my wants and needs. And I'm completely indecisive as a result. Let's say I am shopping with a friend and it's time for lunch. "Where do you think we should eat?" she asks. Simple enough question, right? Wrong! Instead of saying "I would like to eat at ______" (depends on what I'm craving that day & how long it's been since I've gone out to eat), I say "I don't care, wherever you want to" and end up sucking down soggy shrimp at Captain D's. Keep in mind, this is just an example. Doesn't seem to be a very good one, either - but it's all I could come up with. My point is, I refuse to make a decision if I believe someone else may not care for it. Which forces that person to make the decision and a lot of times, I don't care for it. So, that has to stop. It's not like a hang out with complete buttheads (anymore). If I would be assertive and make a choice every once in a while, they would go along with it the same way I go along with their choices. And I'm not just talking about deciding where to eat lunch. I try to choose what I think other people want in everything I do. I worry if they like what my hair looks like. I worry if they like the kind of music that I'm listening to. I worry if they think I'm talking too much, or if they think I'm not talking enough. I worry that they won't like me once we're actually hanging out. Or I worry that friends I've had for years will suddenly realize they don't like me.

I'm paranoid. I'm fat and I'm paranoid because of it. One day, several years ago, I was walking alongside a path with a couple of friends when a car drove by and some young guy leaned out the window and hollered something. I was immediately humiliated because I clearly heard him say "it's not working, fatso". I was very upset and my friends could see something was wrong with me. Carol asked me what was the matter. "Didn't you just hear that guy who drove by?", I asked her. "Yeah," she said, "that was one of my son's friends who hollered at me to get back to work. He drives by here every day on his way home." I'm still convinced he was making fun of me. That's what I expect from people. Even while pumping gas I wonder how many people are driving by and laughing at my fat ass. The worst thing by far is buying food, ordering food, eating food. Anything to do with food. I can just imagine all the people walking by saying "look at that fat ass with all that food." In reality, I know that I'm not important enough for everyone to spend their time thinking about me. I'm certainly not the center of attention for anyone, much less everyone. But my mind sure does trick itself into thinking everyone is grossed out by me. Trust me when I say that's not a fun way to go through life. Makes me feel like an asshole that I'm torturing myself this way.

I never expect people to like me. Which means I rarely give them a chance to get to know me. Why waste their time and mine? As a result, I don't really meet many people. Hmm...weird how that works, isn't it? It doesn't normally bother me too bad because I spend a lot of time with my siblings and cousins and we truly enjoy each other and have a total blast. But I'm starting to get old and I obviously can't fall in love, get married and have babies if I spend every weekend playing Trivial Pursuit at grandma's house. So, I've got to get out there and meet people. Somehow. If only I could figure out how to like myself long enough to let someone else like me too. That would be quite a trick, wouldn't it? Man, I'm such an asshole.

You may wonder why I'm bringing all of this up. I'm not exactly sure. I just know I want to make myself a better person and I'm kind of hoping that publicly admitting some of my faults will embarass me into changing them. I started the day determined that I was going to make a post which actually stated my weight, because I am now working on fixing that issue also. But, I just can't bring myself to post that yet. I want to so that it's out there in black & white, staring me in the face, making me accountable. But, I'm just too embarassed about the number. It sucks, because if I don't post it and then tell you in 2 weeks that I've lost 10 pounds, it won't have as big an impact as it would if you knew my starting weight. Any advice?