I'm starting to feel old. Plus I'm single and have no kids and I can no longer deny that I probably will never have kids. I'm approaching my 38th birthday, so time is running out. On top of that, I have issues related to poor health which are likely to cause me to have trouble conceiving a child to begin with. It just doesn't look like it's going to happen. I can accept that. Don't get me wrong, I would love to have my own child. But if I never get that chance I know I will be fine. For one thing, I have already decided that I want to be a foster parent - as soon as I get my finances to the point where I am able to support myself in my own place without a roommate.
Realizing I am getting old, combined with the recent decline and passing of my grandpa, have gotten me to a point where I'm feeling very sentimental and loving. I want to just pull everyone in close to me and spend as much time with my family as possible. Not just time, but quality time. I want to be all mushy and cheesy and tell everyone I love them every 5 minutes. I desire hugs.
So it really sucks that I have noticed myself becoming a cranky, nagging butthead. I seem to have lost control of my mouth completely. You know you've got to be irritating everyone else when you actually irritate yourself. I find myself venting to family members about what other family members do that frustrate me. NOT COOL. And for some reason I keep sticking my nose into business that does not concern me, such as what everyone elses kids are doing. NOT COOL. It's like I think everyone should raise their children by my morals and standards. But there are several things wrong with this: a) I don't have any children so I have no experience in raising any b) not everyone has the same morals and standards as everyone else, but that doesn't make them wrong c) each child has a different personality and has to be handled differently to a certain degree d) they are not my kids so as long as they are not doing something that will hurt them or someone else - it's none of my business.
I don't know why these things have become an issue with me. I'm not someone whose unhappy or depressed. I don't even get frustrated very often. It's just that I seem to be suffering from sudden (thankfully short) bursts of crankiness that result in me popping off at the mouth and then 10 seconds later being apalled by what I just said. And embarassed about it, sorry for it, etc. Maybe it's simply stress from everything that's been happening. Maybe it's because my best friends are my cousins and siblings instead of someone outside the family and I have held in stuff that I should have been venting because I didn't want to talk about family to other family. It seems like the most plausible cause for my recent crankiness is just because I've let the tiniest of things build up for sooooo long that it is starting to bubble out on top of any little thing it can grab hold of. Maybe I should try to find an outlet where I can vent about these little things before they build up and become so hard to control. I don't want to use a journal because I would hate for someones feelings to get hurt if they found it and read it. I can't do it on the blog because some of my family reads it. Any ideas? Who wants to meet me for coffee every Wednesday at 4:00 so I can get each week of my chest?
5 comments:
First of all I would like to say that Kristy I find to be freaking hillarious to hang out with. Even if you are venting about personal issues thats what friends do. And speaking of friends Kristy not all your friends are cousins, some are right here in the great Mercy Med Center. You just need to get out more with people other then family. Don't become like a certain someone we work with and get invited to everything and not ever go then complain you never get to go anywhere. You can be cranky and old thats fine but your still young enough (and you don't act that old) to go out and have a great time with friends. Like for instance this Sat you have been invited to go out for dinner and bowling....but will you come???? hmmmm this remains to be seen. I will update Kristy's blog on Monday and let the rest of you know how things went for her.
I would come, but I don't like you.
WHATEVER!!!!! I'm even in your blog a few pages down. Get over it and just join the fun!!! :)
Of course I was just joking with you. I consider you and several other people at work good friends. But there are different levels of friendship and what I mentioned in my post was "close friends". To me, these are people who know your secrets and your faults (and you know theirs) and they like you anyway. Close friends are the people you want to call when you're upset, or happy, or depressed.
You are a very good friend and I love the fact that you are always willing and available to attend events with me. But I haven't really known you for very long and while you may have certainly spotted some of my faults, you don't yet know my secrets. :)
Does that make sense?
You and AJ are both right. "The tighter you hold to something, the more it slips away". This is true with family. In my humble opinion, there is good reason for families moving away from eachother and only getting together occasionally. I don't like drama in my family time, and the more time you spend with people, the more drama there will naturally be. It's human nature. This doesn't mean "only Christmas and Easter", but maybe every weekend is too much... As for levels of friendship, start going out with your casual friends and sharing your secrets and before long they will be CLOSE friends. Then you can share some drama with them, and save the quality time for your family.
On top of this, you are your mothers daughter... you have natural tendancies to say things she would say. All you can do is try to overcome it. If you say things that annoy you, just practice holding your tongue. Training yourself to think more before you speak isn't easy, but it's definitely doable. It's easy to snap off something sarcastic and play it off as humor and we're all guilty of it at times, but we need to practice being more sincere, especially with our families.
Wow, what a ramble...
<3
p.s. The last few weeks have been very stressful, I have no doubt it contributed, but sometimes these situations are good because they expose things we don't like about ourselves that we are able to work on. Seriously, done rambling...
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