Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Struggles

Well, I'm finding myself struggling with my attempt to lose weight and get healthy. It's so frustrating because I'm the one who's miserable and I'm the one who decided I desperately want to change, yet I'm the one who is too lazy to do any exercise and has started giving in to my food cravings again. I guess it's just not in me to change. I don't know.

Most people who have successfully lost a large amount of weight always talk about that "moment" that became their turning point. It's usually some sort of embarassing thing that happened, or something they realized they can no longer do because of their weight. But trust me, I've had hundreds of those moments. I'm embarassed daily. I constantly find stuff I'm afraid to do or places I'm afraid to go because of the fact that I'm morbidly obese. I've reached the turning point so many times. And then 2 weeks later I'm back to my old habits.

I'm 37 years old. It's ridiculous. I want to get married and have babies and I know I'm running out of time. But do I have the willpower to change my life? No! I see older women that are obese who are using canes and wheelchairs. I see others that can barely walk, can barely get out of their chairs or their cars. And I know that if I don't lose half my body weight, I will be just like that in no time. But here I am struggling. And not even struggling with a diet, because I purposely didn't start one. I can't even handle trying to keep myself from eating after 9:00 pm or make myself spend 10 frickin minutes a day actually moving.

You know what? Screw it. I've got nothing to lose and everything to gain. I'm just gonna spit it out there. I weigh 320 pounds. Please, somebody ridicule me enough to get me back on track.

9 comments:

Amy - Gentlewhisper.com said...

Friend,

I've read your posts over the last couple months and neglected to comment because I'm using Google Reader and not actually coming to your site.

I should have posted on your new years post and didn't. I couldn't find the right words and then my kiddos distracted me.

I don't think ridicule is going to help you lose weight. Really, feeling bad about yourself doesn't seem to be a great motivator.

I'm not so sure making yourself say three positive things about yourself a day is going to help either.

I think, really ... well I think that if you knew how much God really, really, really loves you. I think that would help. If only you knew how valuable you are.

In your New Year's post you said, "I suck!" Then described how you never say where you want to go eat... those words sounded very familiar to me. Then I remembered a day back in October, Rachel had recently prayed with me and I had realized just a little bit how much God loves me and how I'd been seeing myself wrong for 30 years... I was telling my friend about this realization and I yelled in the car at the top of my lungs, "I don't suck!"

Neither do you, my friend.

Ephesians 3:14-21

Anonymous said...

I don't think eating less food by exercising sheer willpower is the answer. It just doesn't work for very many people. There is no magic bullet. If there was, no one would be overweight. Probably the most effective route you could follow is some kind of support group such as overeaters anonymous. I think mental image is a major part of the problem. I know someone who would be willing to attend sessions with you if that would help. Sarge

roseykrh said...

I will agree that mental image is one of the keys - and I don't have a good mental image of myself at all. (Thanks, Mom!)

I also agree that having a support system in place is important. I think I am more in need of "Lazy People Anonymous" than I am "OverEaters Anonymous", but that group doesn't exist.

I had a friend a few years ago who told me that she believed me when I said I truly wanted to lose weight. But she also believed that I was the reason I couldn’t lose weight. Her opinion was that I have spent so many years convinced that I am worthless (again - thanks mom!) that I subconsciously use the weight as a disguise. She said that as long as I’m fat I can blame my weight on why I can’t find a man or have an active social life. She believes that I’m scared to lose the weight because I’m convinced that my mother might be right and people really won’t like me. So, I hide behind the weight and just assume it’s my appearance that people don’t like.

I think she made a valid point. That’s probably exactly what’s going on. But, how do I fix my self-esteem? Lose weight? Oh wait, that’s a big, vicious circle that’s not getting me anywhere. What’s the secret to being happy with yourself? I feel like that’s my key to this whole thing, but I just can’t come up with the answer.

Anonymous said...

Underlying issues (such as poor self-esteem) is a big part of the Overeaters Anonymous program. I still think it is worth looking into if you are serious and not afraid of the truth.

dirtsister said...

Have you ever tried or considered Weight Watchers? You CAN eat and the support system is there. Lots of people just like you fighting the same battle.

roseykrh said...

Yes, I have done Weight Watchers for a limited time and lost over 30 pounds in just a few months. And then "life got in the way" and "I could no longer afford it" so I just phased it out. See, always an excuse.

I know how to go about losing weight, I have done so successfully several times. I just don't continue, for whatever reason. People usually suggest maybe I should talk to a therapist and I've always been opposed to that for a couple of reasons. One of which is that I'm not an overall unhappy person. I do have my funks and there are certain aspects of my life that I am depressed about. But I laugh everyday, I enjoy my friends every day. I enjoy the sunshine, and feeling successful at work. I sing along to my radio at the top of my lungs with a huge smile on my face every day. And in my mind I can see that I have the strength to change. I know I CAN do anything I want to. But that is where something is missing. Something I can't put my finger on. What is it inside of me that is self-defeating?

PW said...

Hello.

I don't know what to say about being overweight.

I can tell you how to get to the Hootentown arch if you still want to know. I saw your post on Ozarks Underground.

three_ring_cirkus@yahoo.com

Anonymous said...

As a person who spent most of her life overweight (I weighed 313 pounds several years ago) and then through diet and exercise got down to 145 pounds, THEN after a car accident and pregnancy got back up to 311 pounds (and am working it off again) I'd have to tell you this:

The only way you will get in shape is if you accept the routine of exercise as part of your life. Not as a way to lose weight, but as just something you have to do, like breathing and eating.

As for diet. I will bet you know what you SHOULD eat, and just go for what is easy. Make eating a job too. Make it something you have to think about. Respect your body enough to give it the fuel it NEEDS, not the cravings it WANTS.

The last time I lost weight I didn't do it with Faith, or embarrassing myself, or anything like that. I just decided that *I* was the only one that had control over myself, and if I wanted to feel better (in so many ways) weight loss and getting in shape were the answers.

It *IS* simple, and hard as hell at the same time.

But it can be done, if YOU decide that YOU want it.

Anonymous said...

Hi,
I have lost 110 pounds - and I teach others how to do that. You can check out my blog at:

http://diabeticmealplanning.blogspot.com

Not only is it possible, but you will feel so much better day 2! And feel good enough to keep going as long as it takes.

It is not ridicule that will help. It is learning to balance protein and carbs. See my blog, and best wishes!

Martha