Saturday, December 18, 2010

I Have Weirder Dreams Than You

It's true that every one of us has weird dreams. It's also true that a lot of people do not remember their dreams and that makes me sad. My dreams are so elaborately detailed and incredibly bizzare. They're a great source of entertainment for me. I usually remember them when I wake up but most of the time they fade away pretty quickly. After a few minutes they are usually gone completely. I have always wanted to keep a dream journal but I don't for several reasons. One, who wants to grab a pen and handwrite that shit? I'd much rather type it into the pc because that's faster. Besides, I just woke up! I don't want to do anything that requires too much manual dexterity and my computer is not in my bedroom so it's not an option.

The other reason (and this is the main one)I don't keep a dream journal is because the second I wake up I already needed to go to the bathroom 5 minutes ago. Every day of every month of every year of my life, I wake up and do the pee pee dance/walk to the bathroom. There's no time to stop and smell the graphite lead (that's pencil humor people, keep up). Now, I know what you're thinking... why don't I leave a notebook in the bathroom so I can write the dreams down while I'm in there. Um, NO! I am not a guy, I don't just sit there for endless minutes multitasking. The bathroom is gross, even if it is my own. You get in, do your business and get out. I'd much rather hang out on the couch. Shudder.

So no daily dream journal for me. However, on occasion the weirdness of my dreams sticks with me longer than just a few fleeting minutes and after I finish peeing, I will go sit at my laptop and type in what I remember. I thought I'd share with you one of the dream synopsisssississes I recently wrote. This is exactly how I typed it in my groggy state, I have not corrected any grammar or anything below. This is all about content not presentation. Enjoy!

I'm driving down a pretty curby, hilly road. I remember seeing the speedometer and I'm going 60 but the car behind me is right up on my bumper worse than I've ever seen. He's so close to me I can't even see the front of his car out my back window, just a closeup of his face and his hands on the wheel. I also keep hearing a car engine start every few minutes. I remember thinking "his car must be dying while he's driving and that's why he gets so close to me - when it's dead he has no power brakes. I can hear him restarting it." There's nowhere to pull over to let him around so I decide to try and speed up.

Flash to me sitting in some sort of cafeteria booth with a plate of food in front of me. I suddenly reach out and shove the plate of food towards the other side of the table and I shove it so hard that some of the fried chicken falls off the plate and rolls onto the floor. Oh crap. I stand up and lean over to assess the situation. That's when the guy sitting at the booth behind me says "oh man, I'm sorry bout that". I look and recognize it's they guy in the tailgating car. He has a big bowl of mashed potatoes in front of him. I turn to him and say "I was trying to hurry so I could get out of your way." He says "yeah, I wish I were in front of you because I'm afraid I'm going to hit you." I get ready to sit back down and he says "Wait! Since you're up I should just go around you right now." So he stands up, picks up his huge bowl of mashed potatoes and walks around me to the booth in front of me where he sits down again. I feel so relieved.

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