I Have Weirder Dreams Than You

It's true that every one of us has weird dreams. It's also true that a lot of people do not remember their dreams and that makes me sad. My dreams are so elaborately detailed and incredibly bizzare. They're a great source of entertainment for me. I usually remember them when I wake up but most of the time they fade away pretty quickly. After a few minutes they are usually gone completely. I have always wanted to keep a dream journal but I don't for several reasons. One, who wants to grab a pen and handwrite that shit? I'd much rather type it into the pc because that's faster. Besides, I just woke up! I don't want to do anything that requires too much manual dexterity and my computer is not in my bedroom so it's not an option.

The other reason (and this is the main one)I don't keep a dream journal is because the second I wake up I already needed to go to the bathroom 5 minutes ago. Every day of every month of every year of my life, I wake up and do the pee pee dance/walk to the bathroom. There's no time to stop and smell the graphite lead (that's pencil humor people, keep up). Now, I know what you're thinking... why don't I leave a notebook in the bathroom so I can write the dreams down while I'm in there. Um, NO! I am not a guy, I don't just sit there for endless minutes multitasking. The bathroom is gross, even if it is my own. You get in, do your business and get out. I'd much rather hang out on the couch. Shudder.

So no daily dream journal for me. However, on occasion the weirdness of my dreams sticks with me longer than just a few fleeting minutes and after I finish peeing, I will go sit at my laptop and type in what I remember. I thought I'd share with you one of the dream synopsisssississes I recently wrote. This is exactly how I typed it in my groggy state, I have not corrected any grammar or anything below. This is all about content not presentation. Enjoy!

I'm driving down a pretty curby, hilly road. I remember seeing the speedometer and I'm going 60 but the car behind me is right up on my bumper worse than I've ever seen. He's so close to me I can't even see the front of his car out my back window, just a closeup of his face and his hands on the wheel. I also keep hearing a car engine start every few minutes. I remember thinking "his car must be dying while he's driving and that's why he gets so close to me - when it's dead he has no power brakes. I can hear him restarting it." There's nowhere to pull over to let him around so I decide to try and speed up.

Flash to me sitting in some sort of cafeteria booth with a plate of food in front of me. I suddenly reach out and shove the plate of food towards the other side of the table and I shove it so hard that some of the fried chicken falls off the plate and rolls onto the floor. Oh crap. I stand up and lean over to assess the situation. That's when the guy sitting at the booth behind me says "oh man, I'm sorry bout that". I look and recognize it's they guy in the tailgating car. He has a big bowl of mashed potatoes in front of him. I turn to him and say "I was trying to hurry so I could get out of your way." He says "yeah, I wish I were in front of you because I'm afraid I'm going to hit you." I get ready to sit back down and he says "Wait! Since you're up I should just go around you right now." So he stands up, picks up his huge bowl of mashed potatoes and walks around me to the booth in front of me where he sits down again. I feel so relieved.

Crazy Things My Mom Says

Mom is getting older and crazier by the day, so I've decided I should start jotting down some of the hilarious things that spew forth from her mouth and share them with you guys occasionally. We'll start with something she told me a few weeks ago that absolutely cracked me up.

Mom says: " The neighbors got a new horse the other day. It always stands near the fence but it's never facing the road. I'd bring it an apple, but I'd have to shove it up it's butt."

Your welcome interwebz.

Random Thoughts

Eggs should come with bits of diced bacon already inserted inside the shell. Not only would it be easier to make yummy scrambled eggs, but how awesome would a hardboiled egg with bacon be?

Having the ability to listen to your iPod all day long at work = WIN.

I wonder how many pigeons get sucked through airplane engines during takeoff.

Great, now I want to read one of the Pigeon books by Mo Willems.

Seriously, I love those books.

Also… I like turtles.

Oh man, the interwebz always get me so sidetracked.

How cool would it be if someone would develop a phone app that would replace my garage door opener? Then no matter whose car I’m in, I could open the garage. That would be so convenient. Someone get on that.

How can bowling be so fun and frustrate the hell out of me all at the same time? Oh right, it’s because the people I bowl with crack me up. And there’s pizza and beer. Even though I hate beer. Blech!

I find it weird that some people don’t like Oreos. I mean, c’mon. What is wrong with these people?

Is it odd that I attend rap concerts, rodeos, art museums, tractor pulls, hard rock festivals and musical theater productions all within a matter of months? I didn’t think so.

/end random thoughts

Musical Interlude

I don't know how it happens, but every time I realize I've an over-abundance of spare time and decide to fill it by revisiting this here blog... my world goes crazy! I have been working on 1 post for over a week now. And it's not even a good post.

In the meantime, take the time to enjoy this video. The Muppet Show is timeless and I am so glad I grew up getting to watch it. Animal is my favorite Muppet because he's a drummer and I am obsessed with drums and consequently drummers. Combine that with a great classic song and the unique style of Muppet humor and you get a big ole pile of WIN!

Revenge Of The Nerds: Nerds Are Now The Norm

Raise your geek flags high and wave them around proudly, we are winning the war! According to this article, 'Tyranny of the Fanboys', from New York Magazine in July, most of the things once considered too nerdy to talk about are now loved by almost everyone.

"Yes, all the favorite obsessions of nerds and fanboys (or fangirls)—vampires, superheroes, manga, and sci-fi—have now been successfully incepted into our collective pop-culture dreams....

...these days, fanboys are never excluded because they run the culture. They may still sit in rooms alone, but they commune endlessly with other fanboys online, praising what they already like and shouting down anyone who won’t join in. And somewhere, these days, there’s a teen alone in his garage, wondering if it’s safe to tell anyone that he’s not particularly psyched for a Kick-Ass sequel and that he fell asleep in Inception halfway through."

I don't think the author sees this as a positive thing, but that's alright; he's entitled to his opinion. Personally I am thrilled this type of shift is taking place because I have always rode the line between wanting to go to BlizzCon in costume and also being completely aware of the fact it would mortify my friends and family... so I refrain. Maybe if nerdiness continues to gain popularity I can not only feel free to attend these types of conventions but I may find someone who'd be willing to go with me.

An Open Letter To My Checkbook

Dear Checkbook,
Why do you enjoy making me anxious? Are you trying to get me to cry? Because if you are, it's working. I remember just last month when you were full to the brim with all of my gooey tax return goodness. We were so happy then. We went shopping together and drove wherever we wanted without worrying about gas prices. I paid off some bills completely and sent in the rest a few weeks early. Those were great times.

But now I look at you and I just can't believe what I'm seeing. There's an emptiness surrounding you that I can't explain. Just last month we paid all of our bills early together. Now we'll be paying everything a week late. How did this happen? Is it because I've been frequently visiting Ebay? Is that what's hurting you? I promise I will stop. I have to stop. I can't stand to see you this way. Especially since I only have 8 days of work left before my job ends. I know that as a dislocated worker I will be able to provide you with some unemployment money, but it's going to be such a difference I'm just not sure it's going to be enough for you. I know it won't be enough.

We have to stick together, Checkbook. I won't be able to survive the job hunt without you. Please pull yourself together. Show me the error of my ways. Show me the places and things that hurt you unnecessarily. And promise me you'll hold on as long as possible. Promise me you'll learn to both stretch yourself and limit yourself all at the same time. I will do the same for you. It's the only way we're going to be able to enjoy having this upcoming free time. I mean, what's the fun in not having to go to work if you can't afford to go fishing?

Love,
Kristy

Poetic Dreams

Poetic Dreams

Looking at the screen
Watching myself type
Hoping I can find the words
To create some sort of hype

In my dreams I’m famous
Wealthy as can be
Writing for a living
So happy and free

But then when I awaken
I remember that’s not true
So I put my dreams behind me
And pretend that I’m not blue

In my life I’m happy
Not too much keeps me down
But I know that I’d be better off
If I could just make some damn money writing these poems.

Proof That I Am Getting Old

Sigh. I don't want to. I have been avoiding it so well for so long now. But I've been noticing... I'm slowly getting old. There have been little hints that seemed to have indicated it over the past year. I've started cooking and baking more, I briefly thought about raising a garden this summer, I find myself buying cookbooks, I have to keep talking myself out of buying a sewing machine, etc. But during this extended Christmas weekend, it became painfully obvious that despite my best efforts I am unable to avoid becoming old. It is sneaking up on me whether I like it or not. Here's how I know.

8 things that prove I'm finally getting old:

8. I asked for kitchen items and bedding from my parents
7. All the Christmas money I received is being used on bills
6. I left a few gifts unwrapped because I got tired of spending money on boxes, bags and wrapping paper
5. I attended a holiday party and kept walking over to turn the music down
4. I actually cooked several items for the Christmas dinner at Grandma's
3. I brought a cooler full of ice and my own set of bowls with lids to my Mom's Christmas dinner so I could take home leftovers easily
2. At the party I hid my bottle of Parrot Bay coconut rum after discovering people were helping themselves to it and drinking it straight from the bottle
1. I wasn't able to drink at the party because I have GERD and my heartburn was too severe

My Cup Runneth Over

I was actually handed this vanilla shake at McDonalds the other day. As I looked at it, sitting there oozing all over the place, I thought to myself "you have got to be kidding me... I am not touching that nasty thing. I hope she plans on cleaning that up". Seriously, the lid won't even fit on it.

But as I looked up at the employee who had made it, I saw her smile and say "I accidentally overfilled it. Looks like you get extra today."

There's a lesson for you on how differently two people can perceive the same thing.

My Brother, The Creep

Last night, at around 10:00 pm, someone knocked on my front door. I was in my bedroom playing video games on the computer and watching MTV2 on the TV. I was vaguely aware that I had heard Scott walking down the hallway sometime in the last 30 minutes or so, but I was pretty sure I heard him say he was going to bed. So I ignored the knock, whoever it is can just go away. I'm not interested. About a minute later, the doorbell rings. I glance at my watch again... yep, it's 10:03. I'm not answering the door for some stranger this late at night. I lean around the corner of my doorway and look at Scott's bedroom door. His door is shut, the lights appear to be off. He's definitely in bed. But he hasn't been there very long, maybe he's still awake. So I give him a loud whisper "Scott, someone's at the door". No answer. Oh well, back to ignoring the stranger at the door.

Another minute passes, more knocking and another ring on the doorbell. I tiptoe quietly down the hall, careful not to make any noise. I sneak up to the door and peek through the peephole. Our porch light isn't on, so all I can see is a shadowy figure. I stare through the peephole for several minutes. I'll admit I was a little freaked out. Especially when this shadowy figure rattled the doorknob. I didn't want to turn on the porch light because I didn't want anyone to know I was standing there, so I just continued staring. The figure turned around and I could see some sort of writing or image on his back. This made me think "what if it's a police officer who needs to tell us something".

By this time it's been almost 10 minutes since the first knock on the door. I reach over, flip on the porch light and crack the door open slightly so I can see who's there. Imagine my confusion to find Scott standing on the porch looking slightly aggrevated. "What the crap is going on?" I ask as he pushes his way inside. Apparently when he laid down to go to sleep there was a very loud frog right outside next to his wall or window, so he had grabbed a flashlight and went outside around the house to scare it away. Locking himself out in the process. It was hilarious. Here I was afraid to open the door and the shadowy figure I was being creeped out by was my own brother. He's lucky I finally braved up and opened the door. He might have had to sleep with that frog otherwise.

I Think I'll Wait For A Sale

Looks like WalMart is trying to increase their profits again.

MMM.... Eye Coffee

Spotted this in the coffee shop at work the other day. I decided not to try it.

Relatively Funny

This past weekend I attended a Tupperware party with my two sisters. Just by mere coincidence we ended up sitting beside each other in order of our ages. I'm the oldest, Wendy is second and Melissa is the baby. During the demonstration, the hostess showed us how you can actually bake a cake in the microwave with the new Tupperware bowls. She made a chocolate cake with cherry pie filling mixed in. After it had cooled she began cutting it and serving it so we could all see how moist and yummy it was even though it had been microwaved.

When she started to hand me a piece, I politely declined by saying "No thank you, I don't like cherries." She tried to hand it to Wendy who said "No thank you, I don't like chocolate." So she moved down toward Melissa and held out the piece of cake, to which Melissa said "I am so sorry, but I don't like chocolate or cherries." At which point we all died laughing. It would have been funny enough if we hadn't been all lined up in a row, but to hear it back to back like that was hysterical.

My sisters and I look nothing alike. If you saw a picture of us all together you wouldn't guess we were even from the same family. But spend a bit of time in a room with us and there's no denying it. We are definitely related.

The Infamous JK Wedding Entrance Dance

Okay, two things. I know no one reads this blog AND I know that everyone has already seen this video. But I am posting it here because I love it and I want a place to store it so I can always track it down in case I wanna see it 4 years from now and I forget what it was called.

This is so much fun. I actually cry watching it (because I'm a nerd and I cry more for pride and happiness than I do for sadness). I would love to meet all of these people, they look like a fun bunch.

*THIS SPACE HAS BEEN EATEN BY WEBSENSE*

I had a really good post here a mere hour ago. A post that was a good 5 paragraphs long. And funny, man was it funny. There was even dialogue. Real, honest-to-goodness dialogue. And when it was finished and I realized it was one of the most glorious posts I had ever written, I clicked "Publish Post". And WebSense ate my words.

What's WebSense you ask? That's the internet filtering software that monitors the company network at my place of employment. This is not a post against monitoring company internet usage. I understand why they do it and even though sometimes it seems a bit extreme, it is very necessary. What I can't understand is why, if you are going to block me from posting to blogger, why would you even allow me to log in to blogger, click on the "create new post" button and spend 30 minutes typing it in. Why not just block blogger as a whole?

WHY DO YOU TORTURE ME WITH YOUR RANDOM BLOCKING? YOU ATE MY WORDS AND NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY I CANNOT GET THEM BACK.

p.s. this post brought to you from my unfiltered home network